Around 17-months-ago, when I found out I was pregnant, I was a career woman. I was working in a field that I went to school for and spent lots of time and money training for. It is a job that took me a long time to get. I earned it.
I was a different person then. 17-months-ago I told people that I would never last for my entire mat leave. That I would be bored. That I would gladly exchange my mat time for pat time so my husband could have some time off with our little one. As I type these words I find myself partially disgusted at myself. How could I have known?
A new baby is a huge adjustment. So I don’t count the first two to three months in this equation. Those were a haze of sleepless nights, battles with breast feeding and a lactose intolerant baby who was mostly unhappy until we solved his problem.
But here I sit at seven months and I can’t picture how I will ever go back. Sadly, for us, staying home with our son is not an option. I, a formally unemotional/hard edged person, have cried profusely over this many times. Who have I become?
I’ve become a mother in love with a child that has wrapped his little hands/fingers and toes around my heart. I live for him. His smiles bring me joy that is insurmountable. His laughter has the power to alter my moods. How can I leave him in a few months?
My mother was home with my sister and I our entire childhood. We never needed childcare. She now hates that she isn’t trained for anything and has no career. She sees me with a career and envies the option. And here I am having a hard time choosing which side of the fence to sit on. I cannot do both. My job doesn’t provide that option.
Can I picture a life at home with my son with no more work stresses/over time and mental exhaustion? Sometimes I think I can but the reality is – I cannot. So I sit here facing one of the largest mental hurdles of my life. Knowing clear well that I will be leaving him this summer.
How do moms do it?